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Search Results 0 to 38 of about 39 (some duplicates have been removed)
george washington. i cannot tell a lie-- i have not read it. (laughter) duke university has developed a working invisibility cloak. now the blue devils quiddich team will be unstoppable! (laughter) this is the "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report." chausz (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much for joining us. please, nation, we have a big show tonight. my guest is none other than former presidential candidate and current moon governor newt gingrich. (laughter) two titans of south carolina politics going head to head. but who can forget when gingrich swept the south carolina republican primary and i ran for president of the united states of south carolina. (cheers and applause) sadly, sadly, folks, i had to suspend my campaign on the technicality that i do not want that job and it does not exist. (laughter) but, folks, all that's behind us now. presidential elections of 2012 is finally over. after
about george washington. are you retreating into fiction because reality isn't that good for republicans right now? (laughter) why write fiction about our history. >> because it allows people who think of history as dull --. >> stephen: yes, me. (laughter) >> -- to realize history is about people. it's about the way people make decisions with challenges they face, the tensions they live through. >> stephen: but you wrote this book -- this book just came out. you must have been working on this while you were running for president. >> yes. >> stephen: were you phoning in the campaign or phoning in the book. which is the two? you can't do two things that well. >> well, i didn't. (laughter) >> stephen: oh, that's right, you're not president of the united states. well said. now, why washington for you. what is compelling about this guy? i mean, everybody's into lincoln right now. you've got spielberg's lincoln, you've good doris kearns goodwin lincoln, o'riley wrote about killing lincoln. why is washington your lincoln? (laughter) >> well, lincoln's very, very important and well worth studyin
, the scandal has the entire news-scape in a tizzy. >> the sex scandal that's rocked washington. >> a salacious sex scandal involving the now-former c.i.a. director. >> breaking new details on the fast-moving c.i.a. sex scandal. >> we have to talk about the fiscal cliff but i'm dying to ask you about the scandal because it's all anyone's talkin talking about. >> stephen: yeah. this sex scandal is all anybody in washington can talk about. i wonder why the country is in financial ruin? ( cheers and applause ) well, folks, i may be a news junky, but i also got to have my stories. and this is both. it's like a steamy episode of "general's hospital." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and these days-- these days, information, i spend my afternoons you know plopped on the couch in the housecoat, watching cnn with a virginia slim in bon hand and a box of after 8s in the other. i don't care if the news goes straight to my himself. it is me time. this story has got everything-- a decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who senses the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfri
a picture of george washington in the only outhouse and he comes out and is not upset at all. didn't you see george washington? oh, yes. a perfectly appropriate place. what do you mean? well, there's nothing to make an englishman ( bleep ) faster than the picture of george washington. he had hundreds. he could tell these on a dime. he fhe could be here, you would love him. >> stephen: what happened to him? ( laughter ) i'd love to have him on. no, every president-- every presidentue said every president sort of sees themselves in a historical context, compares themselves to a predecessor in the white house. who-- who do you think he is if you're going to compare him to someone earlier, obama, to some earlier president, and then who does he think he is? >> well, there's no question once they get in the white house, it's the only contest left. where do you fit in history? you walk around and you see all those pictures. do you want to be milliard fillmore, franklin pierce? no. you want to be lincoln. you want to be f.d.r. you want to be roosevelt. and i think he sees himself as a figure in his
on the daily show the first ever president of the united states, holographic george washington. >> i trust all of yyu are enjoying your day off from your dailyybread. >> jon: mr. president we don't get the day off for election day. >> how do you have time for reflection on it. >> jon: well things have been going on for quite a while now and both parties have had -- >> have you a two paaty system. jefferson -- the people are politicking at best in national discooed is worse. as i saii in my farrwell address. charles can we role back. >> the nomination of one faction over another, shopping by revenge is itself is, now gaze upon this masterful drive. mr. mulligan, another ball. >> jon: you did that on a golf course. how did you get that on video. >> please jon let's not get upset over trivial details. you should have heeded myings. tell me more about this contest squire. as you do, so i will sip this -pgraglass of president. >> jon: our first black president ran for re-election against our first mormon. >> a slave president running against what did you just call him, a merman.% he can't breat
in a tizzy. >> the sex scandal has rocked washington. a salacious sex scandal involving the now former c ic.i director. >> breaking new details on the fast moving c.i.a. sex scandal. i'm dying to ask you about this scandal. it's all anybody is talking about. yeah. the sex scandal is all anyone in washington can talk about. i wonder why the country is in financial ruins? now, folks i may be a news junkie but also i got to have my stories. and this is both -- it's like a seamy episode of general hospital. and these days these days, folks, i spend my afternoons plopped on the couch in the housecoat watching cnn with a virginia slim in one hand and a box of the after ace in the other. this story has got everything. a decorated war hero homeowners america's spymaster. has an affair with his own sexy biographer who thinks that the spymaster with another biographer. she sends an e mame from a second e-mail and saying step out bitch. and the second haughty and contacts her friend f.b.i. agent who launches an investigation but he sexed her a shirtless photo. >> meanwhile the spymaster's protege also
see bipartisan compromise in washington. and i siner is vie mean that i said it. (laughter) sadly, the power-mad democrats decided that just because people voted for them, they're in power. and they're already trampling our freedoms. >> reporter: democrats are proving yet again they will do anything to push through their liberal agenda. now they have gone a step too far. senate democrats with harry reid leading the charge want to drastically change the filibuster in order to limit the republicans' ability to oppose certain legislation. >> stephen: yes, harry reid is trying to stop republicans from blocking certain legislation. for instance, any legislation. he's chipping away at the sacred senatorial institution known as the filibuster which allows the minority party to prevent a bill from coming to a vote simply by speaking non-stop on the senate floor. for instance, by reading the phone book. that's how, in 1974, the d.c. metro area yellow pages were signed into law. (laughter) the courts have since repeatedly upheld that clay's audio has the most far out selection of 8-tracks i
marijuana for medicinal uses. we're talking about actually legalizing marijuana in colorado, washington and oregon. and that will be for anybody over the age of 21. >> stephen: what is this country coming to? 21 year olds allowed to smoke marijuana? it makes me want to drink myself into a blind rage and do something i'll regret. ( laughter ) by the way, last time i checked, the pro-marijuana votes were up 57 over 42 against. so jimmy, lock the door before my audience moves to denver. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, folks, that's it for tonight's live report. i just want to say before we go, whether you voted for barack obama or mitt romney, tomorrow some of you will be elated and some of you will be crushed. for some, it will be like christmas morning; for others the fifth night of hanukkah. ( laughter ) or so my writers tell me. so what now? ( laughter ) where from here? the game is over and the whistle's blown. but we all line up and shake hands and if so, did debra's mom remember the orange slices. with the election over, do we lance the bo
commissioners on ice as we're bringing it into washington because he needs to stay out of the way while he gets the vote for the amendment organized >> euclid's first common notion is this. things which are equal to the same thing are equal to each other. that's a rule of mathematical reasoning. it's true because it works. has done and always will do. in his book euclid said this is self-evident. you see, there it is. even in that 2000-year-old book of mechanical law it is a self-evident truth that things which are equal to the same thing are equal to each other. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's lincoln. (applause) that's going to be our lincoln from now on. >> i think so. henry fonda was really, really great. 72 years ago, 79 years ago. and i think daniel is now the definitive. >> stephen: nailed it, he nailed it. one thing that bothers me about this movie is that that's a great portrait of lincoln and it's a heroic portrait of lincoln and, you know, spoiler alert, it ends sadly. (laughter) but this heroic portrait worries me because people often compare obama to lincoln. do you think
the truth. [ laughter ] >> my name is andrew. i'm a lawyer in private practice in washington state. i have a injureis doctor. >> stephen: okay. >> i earned a bachelor science of advanced math and operations research. >> stephen: great. >> i earned two additional graduate degrees in environmental law and planning. >> stephen: any special skills? anything? >> i was the first american child to teleport. teleport. >> stephen: that's right in 1967, andrew was the first of over 100 children enrolled in project pega social security the top secret space time program. >> i teleported i estimate approximately 40 times between new jersey and new mexico in three seconds. >> stephen: but the jump room later teleported him further. >> the location they were taking us to was mars. >> stephen: the red planet and wait until you hear who andrew traveled with. >> about a barack h. obama. >> stephen: the president of united states. >> several time is i went to mars with him and was present on the surface with him and others. >> stephen: meaning obama has a secret martian past. a secret past protected by a con
. no surprise that one of the new states is washington. what dow expect from a state named for a guy who wears q-- capri slacks. (laughter) but one of the state's biggest corporations, boeing, a name synonymous with aerospace excellence and bonner sound effects has indicated in union contract talks that they will deny equal pension benefits to married gay employees. hey, hey, yeah, i'm angry at the gays too. hey, gay boeing plorx the only marriage you should have is to your job unless your job is in the cockpit. (laughter) well-- folks, to commemorate this refreshing denial of human dignity, i'm giving a tip of my hadd to boeing for being gay rights pioneers. kuz if you think about it this is great for the gays. if companies don't have to pay out survivor pensions for same-sex couples it will save the millions. soon every company will want them. there will be a gay job explosion. boy the way do not google the term gay job-- nation, this blatant devaluing of gay partners is great for any company's bottom line. or top line, he wouldn't know, i'm not into that lifestyle. folks, next up on-- the wag
Search Results 0 to 38 of about 39 (some duplicates have been removed)